May you always walk in sunshine.
May you never want for more.
May angels rest their wings right beside your door.

~Traditional Irish Blessing

Image courtesy of itsablackthang.com

Gracious God,
We thank you for adopting us into your family through the miracle of
your grace, and for calling us to be brothers and sisters to each other.

Today, loving God, we pray for our mothers:

Image courtesy of api.ning.com

I found this article on e-How, of all places.   It’s actually pretty good.  If you know someone, a friend or family member, who will be adopting an older child, they suggest that you:

• Read up on older-child adoption
• Attend a training/preparation session with your friend/relative
• Refrain from sharing negative or disturbing stories you’ve heard
• Plan a shower for your friend’s new family
• Wait to be invited before visiting

I really like the idea of throwing a shower for a new family member.  If a child is coming out of foster care or from another country, they may have very few possessions of their own.  Plus, every household needs an amazing amount of stuff just to cope with its children.

I would have a hard time refraining from going to visit right away, though.  I know bonding time is important, but I’d want to burst in there and say, “I’M YOUR NEW AUNT AND I LOVE YOU!”  Or whatever the relationship was…

Dear Mom,

I love you.  I like it wyn she walks home with us.  I like it wyn she take us with her and she helps us and she plays whith us and she raeds to us and she loves us.  Happy mothers day.

Image courtest of Cinematically Correct

American Film Director and Producer, Michael Benjamin Bay, was born in Los Angeles, California on February 17, 1965. When he was a small baby he was adopted by Jim and Harriet Bay. His adoptive father was an accountant and his adoptive mother was a bookstore owner/ child psychiatrist. It has not been proven, but it is believed that John Frankenheimer, famous director, is to be Bay’s biological father. Frankenheimer denies this, but does admit to knowing Bay’s biological mother. Bay did meet his birth mother when he was 20.

Bay went to a very exclusive private school in Santa Monica, California, where many famous and wealthy children have gone. He was grounded at a young age after blowing up a train with firecrackers and filming the whole process.

In college, Bay majored in English and Film and in 1986, he graduated from Wesleyan University. He was a member of Psi Upsilon fraternity.  After graduating from Wesleyan, he worked on his graduate studies in film at the Art Center College of Design in Pasadena, California.

Bay is co-owner of two businesses in the film industry. The first one is the special effects house, Digital Domain, and a production house that primarily does horror films, Platinum Dunes. The Institute of Enhanced Perpetual Awareness, a commercial production house, was founded by Bay.

Thanks to Michael Bay and his interest in high-action adventure and horror films, we have movies today, such as, Friday the 13^th, Transformers, and Armageddon.

–Sandra Bullock, speaking of her son, Louis

Justin Hansen

By now we’ve all heard about–and been closely watching–the story of Torry Hansen of Tennessee, who attempted to adopt a little boy from Russia, but found him to have psychological problems so severe that she feared for her safety.  If you’ve been living under a rock recently, you can find the story here, among other places, but really, it’s everywhere.

Hansen arranged to send her son back to Russia.  Her mother took the boy to Washington, DC, and put him on a plane with a note saying that they could no longer care for him because of his threatening behaviors.  At the other end, they had arranged for and paid a man to pick up the boy and take him to the offices of the Education Ministry.

Torry Hansen has been completely demonized for this action, even though she made arrangements for the child’s care.  Some are calling this the worst case of abandonment they’ve ever seen, and Russia is considering a moratorium on adoptions to the US because of it.

I have so many thoughts in response to this.  Here are some of them in no particular order.

• Everybody needs to calm down.  This is a really complex situation, and not the “bad woman rejects angelic little boy” scenario some people are trying to paint it as.

• I feel so bad for Justin–was he given enough time to adjust?  Was he really disturbed, or was he just testing boundaries.  Did Torry know what to expect?  Others who’ve adopted from orphanages say that they were cautioned, but I know that not everyone is.  Some parents are completely taken by surprise by their child’s physical and emotional health problems.

• Not all adoptions work out.  90% do–pretty darn good odds, but not all of them do.  Maybe sending him back to Russia wasn’t the best choice, but that’s where he came from.  If the adoption didn’t go through, it makes sense that he’d go back there.  Yes, I know an orphanage isn’t a Wal-Mart, but at least he’d have a chance of finding a family who could deal with his emotional problems.

• Why, oh why, didn’t she explore, and then exhaust, her options in Tennessee?  She just can’t have–she didn’t have enough time.  There are places that can help kids all over the place.  I can name a half-a-dozen psychiatric hospitals within a 40 minute drive of me, and I live in a town of 4,000.  She might have had to relinquish custody of him to the state–but she was going to relinquish custody, anyway.  And maybe his problems were so severe that he’d live out his childhood in a residential care facility–but that’s got to be better than a Russian orphanage.  She could visit him, love him, take him on weekend passes, write him letters, and he’s going to get education, counseling, and medication.

• We should be very careful about judging unless we’ve actually experienced being afraid of our own child.   That’s one issue in adoptions that don’t work out.  I have friends who adopted 2 severely abused kids and tried for 6 years to provide these kids with what they needed.  They loved them so completely and very competently–one is a special ed teacher and one’s a family therapist.  But in the end, when their lives and the lives of their other children were being threatened, they ended up terminating parental rights to one of the children, and putting the other in a permanent residential facility.  What are you supposed to do when you are afraid to go to sleep at night, or afraid to leave another child alone in a room for fear he’ll be dead when you get back?

• Poor Justin.  I pray he finds a home who has the specific skill and training to deal with a troubled child.  If he’s as disturbed as Torry says, it’s going to take someone special, and not just any foster home or open-hearted family.

• Poor Torry.  Nobody will ever let her adopt now.  And she might have made a very good mother for a different child.

That’s what I have for the moment.  I may come up with other thoughts; if I do, I’ll add them.  I’d also like to hear yours.

Bithiah Draws Moses Out of the Nile

It’s hard to sit here with my David and watch Moses get adopted by the Pharoah’s daughter under the worst of circumstances.  Moses grows up loved, cared for, and thriving in his new family.  In the movie he is devoted to his mother and she to him, and she sees him as a gift from heaven.  He doesn’t know he’s adopted.  But he finds out when another slave tells his lover and she tells him.  He vows his love to his mother, but runs off immediately to find his birth family…and I mean immediately, within minutes.  He doesn’t think about it much.

His birth mother and his adopted mother have a show down, and Yochabel, his birth mother agrees to deny her connection to him, but she can’t do it.  He again vows his love to his adopted mother, Bithiah, but he leaves her and moves in with his birth family…who are slaves.  He’d rather embrace slavery, poverty, disease, and oppression than the life his mother did everything in her power to give to him.  I can’t pretend Moses’ rejection of Bithiah doesn’t hurt me.  Is the blood tie that important to him that he would deny his connection to the mother whose face he saw above his cradle?

I understand the importance of blood ties.  I know that it matters where you came from.  And I know that both in the movie and in the biblical story, Moses’ journey is guided by God’s hand, because God has a plan for him and for all of God’s people.  I know that Moses was saved from his people so that he could return to his people and save them in his turn.  I was okay with Elf, where Buddy somehow managed to find a balance between his birth father and his adoptive father, but it is painful to sit with my son and watch an adopted son, a son who was loved and cared for, make enemies of his adopted family.

I have always felt the tragedy that underlie the Exodus story–the deaths of the first borns and the drowning of the Egyptian army in the Red Sea, but this element has always escaped me until now.  I don’t know if I would have seen it if I weren’t sitting here with my son, wondering what he’s thinking of it all, wondering if he’s wondering about the other mother, wondering how I somehow find myself in the position of a princess of Egypt, wondering if someday, my baby will say his equivalent of  “I am Moses, son of Amram and Yochabel,” and forget Bithiah who loved him.

Later, when the Angel of Death is descending upon Egypt, Bithiah comes to Aaron’s and Miriam’s house, trying to save her life and the lives of her servants.  Moses opens the door and says, “Bithiah,” not “Mother.”  And Bithiah, his mother who drew him out of the Nile, says, “May a stranger enter?”

Children’s paths take them far from their parents, but so far that she is afraid to enter her son’s house, and calls herself a stranger?  Moses does acknowledge a relationship, but only as a fellow seeker of mercy from God.  “There are no strangers among those who seek God’s mercy.”  He doesn’t say, “Mom, get in here!  It’s dangerous out there!  I’m so glad you’re okay!”

Nina Foch as Bithiah

Martha Scott as Yochabel

When Bithiah draws Moses out of the water, David asked me, “What is she doing?”  I said, “She’s going to adopt him.”  And that was all.  I don’t know sometimes if he is thinking deep thoughts, or if things just flutter in and out of his head without rooting there.  He’s not generally an introspective kid, and he’s pretty much what-you-see-is-what-you-get.  If he wonders about something, he usually just says it, and then moves on.  I’m the one who obsesses, over-thinks, worries.

As I am obviously doing now.

FOLLOW UP:

David was a lot more clingy after watching this movie.  He also watched Prince of Egypt, the animated version of the Moses story, several times in the next week.  I think that this clingyness is his way of making himself feel secure while he works things out in his head.  That makes a lot of sense.  Now that we’ve identified a possible pattern, it’s easier to give him what he needs while he thinks it through.   Not that it’s ever been a problem to let him cling a little–if a kid needs extra love, you give them extra love.

JJ

Image Courtesy of Servants of the Father

Dear St. Joseph,

Happy Feast Day!  As you know, we’ll be celebrating your special day in our family.  It’s so good to have a special friend in heaven who knows what life is like for us.  I mean, think about it:

• You had biological kids and an adopted son
• You worked hard to take care of all your kids
• You did your best to do what God wanted you to do

That pretty much describes our life, too.  I don’t think it’s ever been easy to be a dad, but you must have done something right with all your kids, because one grew up to be the Messiah and one grew up to be the Bishop of Jerusalem, and they all grew up to be faithful Jewish Christians and courageous believers.  And they all knew, from James to Jesus, that God was their loving, caring Abba.  Kids don’t just pull that out of the air–someone has to teach them that God is like a daddy.  So, good job on that, sir.

I know I’m always asking you for things, and I’m sorry if I bug you or if I seem ungrateful.  I’m so grateful, but we need a lot, too.  I am so grateful that you continue to be our friend and older brother.  I love St. Teresa’s custom of asking you for one gift for the coming year on your feast day, so I’d like to do that here.  I suppose in the end I don’t have to worry about asking for too much–I know you’re glad to do what you can, and I know that Our Lord won’t allow you to give anything that he doesn’t want us to have.

So, in celebration of your generous friendship, here is what I’d like to ask for the coming year.

• Please bless the fathers I know and love.  Give them self-knowledge, patience, and delight in their children.  Give them a heart to shoulder their responsibilities and find joy in them.
• Please bless my husband in his husbanding and fathering.  We don’t always make it easy on him, but we couldn’t have asked for a better partner and dad.
• Please bless my daughters as they grow into young women.  They’re both just so gifted and interesting, and I’m grateful to have girls that I like so much.
• Please let my son know deep in his heart how much he is loved.  Help erase any insecurities he has and give him confidence in his own strong little soul and his firm place in our family.

And as for me…help me to see what I can do better.  Other than that, I may well be the happiest person I know, so I don’ t have a lot to ask for.  Just nudge me every now and then to keep me on the parenting straight and narrow.  Thanks.  And thanks for being there for us.  Happy Feast Day.

Image Courtesy of The Inspiration Room

I was thinking about this because I read this story, about a woman who adopted a baby girl from Guatemala, and soon after she got the baby home, she found a mass in her little belly.  It turned out the girl, whose name was Gloria Joy, had Stage 4 liver cancer.  She had a round of chemo, but the cancer had spread to her lungs and brain.  The little girl died at age 15 months, only 8 months after coming to live with her mother.

Of course I think about one of my children dying.  I’m a little obsessive about it, I guess.  I try to give them freedom and independence, but they still have to wear seat belts and they can’t go out of the yard after dark (and that includes the 14-year-old).   God, what would I do?  I can’t see how I’d ever recover, and I can’t see how parents who don’t have their faith and their church community to lean on can go on without losing their minds.

I don’t think I’m more protective of my son than my daughters, except insofar as is appropriate, because he’s younger.  But I’ve always been aware than another mother let me take this boy as my son with the clear expectation that his life would be better with me than with her.  I have a sacred trust to keep him safe and healthy–not only because that’s my job as a mom, but for his birthmother, as well.

I can’t control everything.  If one of my children gets cancer (God forbid!), all I can do is get him or her the best treatment I can and do everything humanly possible to save that child.  But I can control safety things and common sense things.  I can make sure they know enough not to get into cars with strangers and not to play with matches.  There are so many unpreventable tragedies, but I do my best to prevent the ones that can be prevented.  I won’t waste any of these young lives through carelessness or inattention.

Reading that story (I do hope you’ll go to the link and read about it), made me realize that the adoptive mother gave her baby one of the most precious gifts one human being can give to another.  She held her as she died.  She stayed with her to the end and delivered her personally into the arms of the angels.  I’ll do that, too, for any of the three of mine, if I have to.

But please, God, don’t let me have to.